Following is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Dr. Riley's Box of Tricks: Uncommon Solutions for Everyday Parenting Problems.

I am on a rescue mission!  My target?  Moms and dads who feel so worn down by the everyday battles of parenting that all of life’s joy has left the building, so to speak. 

Buckle up.  I am about to teach you the techniques I have developed specifically for kids who are really good kids at heart, but who believe they no longer have to listen to you.  You know the children I am talking about: Your neighbors love them and they get great comments from the teachers.  But they listen to you with about the same level of attention they would give to a brick or a doorknob.

By the time you finish reading this, you will once again be able to laugh about the nature of childhood and all of the battles kids put parents through. But be forewarned!  In order to regain your sense of humor, you will have to jump way out of the typical parenting box.  Here you will see little mention of the techniques you have already tried a hundred times, techniques like “time out” or “rewards” or “bargaining” or “counting.”  You will, instead, learn how to use my Box of Tricks to solve many of your most frustrating parenting problems. 

Using tricks successfully requires two essential attributes.  The first is humor.  The second is a willingness to turn things a little topsy-turvy and give your child an unexpected and gentle dose of his own medicine. 

Why is this combination  –  humor and a taste of your own medicine  –  so important?  Kids naturally gravitate toward adults who are funny, and avoid overly stiff, serious ones like the plague.  One of the best ways to get a child to lower his defenses is to show him that you have a sense of humor.  More parents than you might imagine need practice in using their sense of humor with a child.  Too many seem to believe that only stern, harsh methods are what get results with a child, when often a gentle, silly, or humorous approach will do wonders.  The techniques you’ll learn are designed to give your children a humor-based experience that will open their eyes (usually, quite wide) about their own behavior, and give you both something to laugh about and talk about that will be much more productive than the typical yelling, arguing, bargaining, name calling and punishing that trap most families.   

Is there any actual science to all of this?  Yes there is.  There is one fascinating and thoroughly modern study every parent who believes in overdosing children with talk, reason, and arguing ought to read.  We will turn briefly to Professor Rudi DeRadt and his study of the amygdala, that bundle of neurons at the base of your brain that turns on your fight or flight reaction to fearful events.  It turns out there are actually two hemispheres to the amygdala.  Sure enough, one side of it appears to produce brain wave activity in response to verbal warnings – the don’t-mess-with-the-cat-type of talk most kids get somewhere along the line during their childhood.  However, the other side of the amygdala only responds to direct experience. 

Ultimately, it goes like this: You can talk to Junior repeatedly about how kitty doesn’t like it when he bothers her, and try with all of your might to get him to understand kitty’s feelings.  However, he is not likely to learn his lesson fully until kitty does something dramatic.  As Mark Twain is claimed to have said, “A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.”  The methods in Dr. Riley’s Box of Tricks provide a gentler version of this real world lesson, using humorous talk and painless consequences.  Remember: talk gives you information, but the world gives you experience.  It takes both to truly learn your lesson. 

Parent Deprogramming

If you are like most parents, trapped in a rut of days, weeks, and months spent bickering with kids, you will have to be deprogrammed before you can successfully use the techniques in this book.  Here are three things you absolutely, positively must do first:   

One, rid yourself of the idea that the only way to get a child to change is to sit down and have long, serious talks day after day.  Children love to hang out with humorous, easy-going adults.  They avoid interacting with angry, overly serious ones like the plague.  I attribute much of my personal success with children and teenagers to the fact that I am able to make them laugh. 

Two, rid your mind of the thought that turning up the volume will enhance communication with your child.  Yelling gets you nowhere because at some point little children become frightened of you and older ones simply turn up the volume on their iPods, reducing you to background noise because they have lost respect for you. 

Three, stop arguing!  Arguing with kids deludes them into believing they are your equal.  The more you argue, the more they will too, so it’s actually your fault.  Like I have said to so many parents in my decades of working with hard-headed children, “You can employ a line of logic powerful enough to raise the dead, and still your child will look at you like you are the village idiot.” 

              If you find yourself in disagreement with any of these three rules, take a break from reading and dig into your memory bank.  Ask yourself, who were the adults you liked the most?  Who were the ones that inspired you to do your best?  Who were the ones you wanted to be like once you grew up?   Likely, the ones who come to mind were fun to be around, weren’t prone to yell at people, and took the time to listen to you in a genuine attempt to understand your view of the world.

General Guidelines for Using Dr. Riley’s Tricks

Be patient for just a few more paragraphs (patience is a trait you must develop if you’re going to be around children successfully), because there are a few more things you need to be aware of before you start learning how to use the Box of Tricks.  One is this: Any trick you use must be physically and psychologically harmless, regardless of how angry you happen to be at your child.  In fact, tricks are not to be used when you are angry.  They must be reserved for when you have cooled down and regained your sense of humor.  If you fail to talk to your child about the methods in this book when you are calm and in a good mood, you will defeat yourself entirely by coming across as mean spirited, vengeful, or worse, someone who wants their child to feel bad. 

              There are other points that I am quite serious about, and that you must pay attention to:  Don’t use my tricks on mean, snarly, juvenile-delinquent-type kids.  I am speaking specifically about the type of child who likes to hurt and bully others, or the angry type of child who clearly has no respect for the adult world and is ready, willing, and able to demonstrate it at the drop of a hat.  Rarely do these types of children have a sense of humor.  Rarely are they interested in seeing what their behavior makes others feel.  They will experience the tricks in this book as personal attacks.  It is unlikely you will help them change without the assistance of a mental health counselor who is trained in behavior modification techniques. 

              Also, do not use them on any child who is developmentally challenged, or not intellectually capable of analyzing the impact of his or her behavior on others.  These children, sadly, will not be able to get the point you are trying to make with them.  Instead, they will be confused by your behavior, and by why you are acting the way you are. 

              Do not use tricks on depressed children.  Depressed children almost always suffer from a negative self-image, and are locked in a struggle to feel good about themselves.  They experience the world as a hostile place.  They need your kindness, understanding, and patience.  And, do not use the Box of Tricks on highly anxious children.  Anxious children are always worried about bad things they are convinced are going to happen in the near future.  Because all of their emotional energies are tied up in trying to solve problems that have yet to happen, they may fail to see the humor in what you are trying to do.  It will be much better to talk to them gently about their worries and their fears. 

              I repeat: the techniques in this book are meant to be used on basically healthy, happy kids who have a sense of humor and the ability to be enjoyable, but who have hit a hardheaded, “oppozoid” stage and are driving you nuts.  As I said earlier, if your child is the type who is ripping it up at home but the neighbors and teachers generally tell you what a joy he or she is, keep reading.

WHEN YOUR KIDS IGNORE YOU: TWO TIMES FOR FREE

 Let’s start with a rapid solution for one of the most common problems parents face - repeating themselves over and over before a son or daughter finally does what you asked.  Here’s how a typical conversation with a child might go:

You:  “How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your coat?!  I’ve asked you six times already!” 

Child:  “Jeez, mom, quit bugging me!  I’ll do it later!”

The next time this happens, calmly say to your child, “I have decided to use a program with you called ‘Two Times for Free.’  Here is how it works: I will be willing to ask you two times for free to do what I tell you to do.  However, if I have to ask you more than twice, I will charge you.  Now, please pick up your coat and hang it in the coat closet.  Thank you very much!”

At this point your child is going to be looking at you strangely, like a third eye has opened on your forehead, or like you have grown an entire second head.  So, give him two minutes to reorient, and to comply.  Say nothing more.  If he does as asked, great!  But, if two minutes go by and he has regrouped his defenses sufficiently to give you his usual response, which is to ignore you, then you will have to make your second request.  This in itself brings up an exceptionally important issue:  What makes you think that if you ask the second time just like you asked the first time, the outcome will be any different?  Your second request must be much different than your first.

You (still remaining clam):  “Please come here and give me eyeballs.”  (My way of saying “look at me and pay attention.”) 

Child:  “Aw mom…”

You:  “I am now asking you for the second time to pick up your coat and hang it up.  Do you understand what I am asking you to do?”

Child:  “You want me to pick up my coat and hang it up.”

You:  “Yes.  Please make a smart decision.”

If two more minutes go by and your child has still managed to ignore you, or is arguing, the game is on.  This is what you say next:  “I have asked you twice already to pick up your coat and hang it up.  In a moment, I will ask you to do it a third time.  However, because I have already asked you two times for free, I will charge you twenty-five cents for having to ask you a third time.  Please go up to your room and get me a quarter.”

Your child will likely say something along this line:  “But mom, I’ll just do it now.  This quarter thing is stooopid!.”

You:  “As I said, I have already asked you two times for free to hang up your coat.  Please go get me a quarter, put it in my hand, and then I will then ask you for the third time.”

Expect your child to go stomping up the steps (more about how to cure this later), return angrily with a quarter, and slam it into your hand.  You then say “Thank you very much!  Now, please pick your coat up and hang it in the closet.  And let me remind you, if I have to ask you again, I will charge you another quarter.” 

If you do something that is just this simple, instead of yelling, screaming, arguing, or having one of those dreaded discussions, you will get your child’s attention.  He will realize it is no longer safe to ignore you.  And, if you follow through with this technique and the other techniques we are about to cover, you will reduce drastically the number of times you have to repeat yourself.

There are variations of Two Times for Free.  Let’s suppose, for instance, that your child does not have a stash of money in her room, or that you want to make your point in a somewhat more dramatic fashion.  You can explain to your child that you have all of the quarters you need and you have instead decided to charge her twenty-five cents worth of work for asking her a third time.  Explain to her that twenty-five cent jobs are things like scrubbing a toilet, or wiping off the kitchen table and countertops, or vacuuming one room, or cleaning one window, or emptying the dishwasher, or cleaning out the cat box, or sweeping the kitchen floor.  Tell her she will have to pay you immediately for asking her a third time by doing one of these jobs (parents choice).  Remind her that after she does the job she will still have to do what you originally asked her to do – i.e. hang up her coat.  Tell her if you have to ask her a fourth time or a fifth time to hang up her coat, you will charge her each time!  Try this out for a few days.  Should she go back to making you struggle with her to do as you have asked, simply ask this question:  “Do we need to go back to charging you for asking?  I could sure use the money and the help.” 

TALES OF MESSY ROOMS: THE FAMILY LAUNDRY HAMPER (and more)

This is how I tell kids the story of how the Family Laundry Hamper was invented.  You can tell it to your kids in a similar way:  Amanda was a thirteen-year-old girl who had taken the habit of leaving clothes on the floor of her bedroom to a new level.  Her parents joked that it had been months since she had actually seen her floor and claimed she would be unable to remember what color her carpeting was, or even if she had carpeting.  She was ankle deep in shoes, jeans, tops, sweatshirts, wet towels, socks, and so on, and all attempts to get her to use her dresser and closet had failed.  I asked her how she felt about her room being such a wreck.  She looked at me and gave me that famous answer teenagers use when they don’t want to be bothered: “Whatever.”

              Her father admitted he had given up trying to get Amanda to clean her room because he was worn out from all of her arguing.  He had begun to say things like “What the heck, it’s her room, so let her keep it like a pig pen if that’s what she wants.”  Her mother held fast to the notion that teens should be allowed some sloppiness and leeway for sure, but no one was going to leave her home without having been raised to live like a human being.  She had a friend whose son had been asked by his college room mates to move out because of his sloppy ways, and she did not want this to happen to her daughter one day.

           I listened to all of this carefully as the family explained their situation, and then I commented to Amanda that since she seemed to be willing to use her room as a laundry hamper, the whole family could just throw their dirty clothes into her room.  I told her it was a perfect solution because the typical laundry hamper could only hold a few days’ worth clothes for one person, whereas her room could easily hold several weeks’ worth for the entire family.  Her eyes narrowed and she gave me that look teenagers use when they want you to know they think you are a moron.  I continued to explain that from now on, whenever anyone in the family took off any article of dirty clothing (other than underwear, of course – this program was meant to get her attention, not to humiliate her) they were to just toss it into her room.  Dirty socks, dirty tee-shirts, dirty jeans, sweats, you name it, into her room it would go. 

          Her response was total disbelief that her parents would go this far.  When they assured her they would, unless she decided to get her room into more reasonable shape, she upped the ante: she told them she didn’t care what they did.   They could do anything they wanted, but it wouldn’t bother her. 

Given that Amanda drew such a line in the sand, her parents had to follow through.  They refused to argue with her about whether or not it was fair, and refused to back down when she told them her friends would think they were bad parents: “Oh, don’t worry dear.  We know your friends.  They’re just like you.  They won’t even notice your room is a bit messier when they come over to visit.”

          It took only four days before Amanda caved and decided to clean up.  But what is more important is that the vast majority of children who hear her story decide to put more effort into keeping their rooms in good shape, hoping to avoid a similar fate. 

In reading about Amanda, you probably noticed several things.  First, her parents assured her they would use her room as the family laundry hamper.  Second, they gave her an out, indicating they would not have to do anything at all if she made reasonable changes.  Usually, a warning like this is as far as you’ll have to go to get your child’s attention and convince her to change her habits.  Amanda decided to take on her parents.  They were strong enough to stick to their word. 

Third, they used a proper sense of proportion once they had to follow through.  They did not in any way demand she make her room look perfect and spotless.  They avoided any tendency to overdo it or humiliate her.  After all, the stated purpose of The Family Laundry Hamper is to get a child’s attention, and to get them to talk about how to solve the problem in a way that is not defensive but solution oriented.  Within four days Amanda promised to spend ten minutes a day straightening her room (I suggested this is all it would take). 

This brought an end to a problem the family had been arguing about for, literally, years.  Even Amanda learned to laugh about this episode.  Another plus: her eight-year-old brother learned a lesson from watching what happened to her, and, as far as I know, did not experience the same fate. 

              One of the points that I will make throughout this book is that you start with relatively simple methods, all the while letting your child know you have other options. For example:

Grounded From Your Room

Everybody knows about being grounded to your room, but nobody has ever heard of being grounded from your room. I suggest parents consider this for a child who loves hanging out in his own room, but who refuses to keep it up to human standards. 

              This is what you do:  First, warn your child you intend to use this trick if he or she does not make changes in how the bedroom is kept.  If your child continues to ignore you and you have finally reached your limit, tape a sign on the door that reads “No entrance!  Room unfit for human habitation.” 

              When you child gets home and flips out, calmly explain it like this:  “I warned you about this, did I not?  However, you continued to keep your room wrecked, so now you will be grounded from it for a week.”  Explain that he will not be allowed into his room for any reason other than to spend time cleaning it.  Also explain if he ignores you and goes in without your permission, he will be guaranteed additional days away from his room.  Tell him he will have to get out his sleeping bag or some covers and sleep on a couch or on a carpeted floor.  Indicate that if his room is not cleaned to your satisfaction by the end of the week, you will continue to tack on extra days until the room is finally cleaned.  Be sure to remind him that if he falls back into all of his bad habits and wrecks his room again, you will be happy to supply him with another week on the couch.  As with all of the tricks, tell him you don’t really want to do this to him, but you will if he ignores your request to keep his room in a more civilized fashion.

When Clean Laundry Ends Up On the Floor

I have talked to many, many moms who are frustrated because they go to all the trouble to wash their children’s laundry, fold it, and put it neatly away.  You know where the laundry often ends up: on the floor, stepped on, wrinkled, and strewn all over the place.  

              Take Charlie, who was twelve and had a room that looked like it had been ransacked by marauding monkeys.  I told his mom to warn him that unless he promised to take better care of his clothes, and followed through, she would take the next big load out of the dryer in a balled-up lump just shove it half-way under his bed.  I told her that when Charlie protested this was not fair, as he was bound to do, she was to tell him this was precisely where his clothes would end up anyway, so he should thank her for saving him the time and effort. 

              Tell your child you are considering this option.  If he says he doesn’t care, then you have to follow through.  If he begins to put more effort into keeping his room clean, then you’ve got his attention.  The threat alone might lead to a productive discussion about a goal for the coming months: your child is to learn how to put his things away.  

Please feel free to try these techniques with your children.  Be sure to let me know how they work.  And, stay tuned for more new tricks!